so ridiculously head over heels in love.
what am i going to do with myself?
i am SO terrified.
but i cant be.
because its way too good right now.
way too good.
holy shit.

spent the last hour searching for drugs in my dads drawers and shit.
all i found were empty beer cans and 3 full flasks.
im not sure who i should be more disappointed in at this moment.

You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.

its not bad. its just different.
and i need to concentrate on the good differences and not the bad ones...
every one will be different than the one before

you've gotta know that this is where i put my foot down
im walking fast
im burning out
and theres nothing you can do.
and
Ive got to stop believing
you can mow the lawn i grew

im not sure exactly how i feel right now.
i think i miss you.



if there was a tree for each time i was lost
id be surrounded by forests.


one hand is new and soft
and the other is rough but familiar and warm

and im not sure whose to hold

I wont rest until I forget

 

I cant believe i made it home tonight.

I don’t remember the drive.

I was too busy drowning.

Because you held my face.

 

I had no hope in seeing you

I didn’t want to be around.

 

I write down all these words

But it takes days to make some sense.

 

Because if I hadn’t jammed my fingers in my ears,

Today, I’d

 

 

with the seatbelt cutting up my throat

with every mile  I drove.

And if I had jammed my fingers in my ears

I would

 

oh god please just 

 

i write down all these words

but ive yet to string them into sense

 

 

 

and     this        is        the        sound       of       me                    falling                for     you

 

 

 all these little things

are holding me toghether

 

 

 

 

and you hold my face

and not my waist

and thats when i go

 

you re too much

 

drown in wine

ill cross the sea

 

it just wasnt enough

 

avoiding description

i had forgotten how i thought

now it manifests

 

because no ones going to know that

with no expectations

you overwhelm me

 

if i had jammed my fingers in my ears 

you forget your secrets

 

 

everythings ok until you die, and then you just cant tell. but they're still ok

 

it starts here but where it ends is up to us

pinkies

 

were getting good at each other’’’’’’’’’’’’’

we can be the leaves

 

i left the ground

 

you look like the sun

 

now im getting tired in your bed 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve got nothing left to say to you

But the concrete eats my shoes

And now no ones here to pick me up

So im stuck with blistered eyes

And you’ve forgotten me so many times

I now know how to walk

And I’ll reach your front door later tonight

But I wont want to talk.

 

 

I’ve got charts and maps and fingerprints

And none led me to you

Once you pulled me from the kaleidoscope

Ive been living through

 

I just want to look at you.

I want the power lines to stop humming

I want the waves to stop breaking

I want to the crying upstairs to stop

So I can hear your breathing.

And I want to play the same note over and over

And believe you can stay here forever.

So the pencils can stop scribbling

And my eyes can stop blinking.

Because the clouds can fill the sky

And make your day

 

 

 

 

You lay here

And you breathe here

And you wait here.

And some day you will die here.

 

I watched my fingers dodge the keys that spell your name

The things I do to attempt to stay sane

Part of wrists want to wrap around your throat

And the other wants to wrap around your neck

 

 

 

 

 

I

Fought

The

War

But

This

War

Wont

Stop

For

The

Love

Of

God

 

 

 

 i thought would be the end of my life.


but it wasnt. 
kasey and i decided to go see caitlin and make sure she was ok. in the process we learned she wanted a puppy. and kasey and i dont fuck around. so we found caitlin a puppy. and now caitlin has a new reason to smile and a puppy has a new home. and it makes me so fucking happy its not even funny. and i was just driving on PCH listening to Strawberry Swing with my best friends in my car, watching the sunset. and it was all so fucking beautiful. i dont need your fucking shit. i miss some things. but i dont miss you. and i have come to realize that i legitimately like bret. he's good for me. and i need that. he's not immature or materialistic or obnoxious. he's genuine. and adorable. and funny. and smart. and we have fun together :] and i love my best friends. and things might get really hard soon after this whole court thing goes down, but everything is going to be ok. because i have a future and friends who would do anything for me. and a guy who doesnt let me down and people who are standing beside me through all the shit i have been going through. im so fucking blessed to be so healthy and alive and surrounded by insanely amazing people. and boo and scout are going to be best friends. and im so excited for school to start and i just cant wait for tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day


its like any wound. its nasty when it happens. and it hurts and feels like the pain will never cease. but day after day it slowly gets better. and it'll hurt for a while and leave a mark. but eventually it turns into a scar. a scar that doesnt hurt anymore at all but is always a reminder to never ever again do whatever stupid thing you did in the first place to get it. :]

 i like the clouds today
and i think they like me too
but ive got no way of knowing
so i've come here to ask you.
is it me who's got this feeling
that the world is gonna end?
is it me who's just pretending
i've got money left to spend?
because the wind is getting stronger
and i wake up every day
just forgetting why i'm breathing
and forgetting why i've stayed. 
no one's trying to assure me
that i'm walking on a cliff
but the sun has got me thinking
that im about to trip.
and theres water in my veins
and its drying out my skin
and my palms have gotten sour
with the dirtiest of sins.
you were nothing but a picture
that i painted on a wall
you were nothing but a story
but i guess
well
arent we all?

theres a knot in my stomach
and its pleading to come out
so its traveled to my throat
and has turned into a shout. 
i've swallowed it back down
but now its clawing me inside
and ive tried to just stay conscious
ive tried to stand aside. 
but this feeling cant be worthless
this excruciating pain
because ive cared more than i wanted
and its driven me insane.
dont you dare just close your eyes
and pretend that i dont see
i've gotten nothing left to say 
we've got nothing left to be. 
i hope you dont think that im kidding.
what youve done is now your deal
and my knot, my heart, my headache
have forgotten how to feel. 
dont just lie there looking sheepish
you know exactly what you've done. 
and it kills me just to see you 
so i stare up at the sun.
if my eyes bleed, well then they're gone
and maybe thats whats meant to be. 
but my belief in fate and forever 
ended with you and me.

 








"stupid bitch you think you had the best of us, you got the worst, you got what we left behind"

 ahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahah


could you POSSIBLY be more immature?

man up.

do your own dirty work. 

you're just pissed i'm doing so well and have someone new who makes me happy




GROW UP

everyone likes me more anyway. 
why?
because i never did shit
and im genuinely a good person.
i'm sick of crying babe
im laughing now


because this is ridiculous

i lost so much respect for you. 
all of us have.

this was my list of things to do back in December.
lets see how i have progressed in just the last 2 months being on my own again...


 1. im getting my friends back
2. working out more
3. no more being lazy
4. start singing and playing piano again
5. let go if i need to 
6. be myself again
7. feel alive again
8. deal with mom gone
9. eat better
10. live again
11. have a great summer
12. more adventures
13. more photo shoots
14. grow hair out




1. yes
2. every day
3. was only lazy cause i was sick
4. yes. gettting there.
5. doin pretty well
6. SO yes
7. CHECK
8. shes not gone yet so not really
9. eh. kinda. 
10. yes
11. FUCK YES
12. so many
13. so many
14. its going as fast as it can :]



hm. thats funny. 
i never ever thought i could get back here
i thought it was all gone forever
and it was time to grow up

but look 


i got it all back :] 
and im happier than ever.
doesnt mean i dont miss you sometimes.
but i miss the old you
and he's not around anymore
so ive come to grips with that



there are so many people who have my back its ridiculous
and i feel like all the faith and hope and effort i've put into life,
is finally starting to shine on me

and when i awoke
i had everything.


Wide awake,
my mistake
So predictable
You were fake,
I was great
Nothing personal
I'm walking
Who's laughing now?


We're all part of the same, sick little games


im watching it all turn around now
and you sit and wait for your turn
but it wont come
unless you get off you ass
and stop ruining lives and deceiving and cheating

what did i think i saw?
because all i see now
is pathetic


I hate to break this to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career


You are careening shamelessly into oblivion
Where you will live alone with your chemicals and gin

 and im thinking if the way you said goodbye
you wouldnt look me in the eye
you just cried
and cried and cried

but i cant think about you anymore


and i found that picture you drew me
a hundred years ago
with our backs to the frame
our faces dont show
and i wonder what they're saying


but im sorry. i threw it away.


and i wake up every night
in a sweaty tangled bed
and i've turned around to hold you
put found my pillow case instead


so i've been thinking of someone else. 



you dont call
you dont write
but you sleep alone all night
and you dont smile in any pictures 
that way you used to


and i've stopped crying everytime im alone


and its gotten so rehearsed
to place your name in every verse
that the music just gets old after a while


so im writing songs about this sunrise instead


so im dumping out this drawer
my shaking fingers are so sure
that this is the best thing i can do to fix myself

and i swear to god you killed me
but i can see you're flailing more
than you ever will admit
but none of this would have happened
if you opened up your eyes
because this storm was just a fast ones
and now im seeing such blue skies


and you know what?



i DONT miss you anymore 


i didnt wanna go
but i gotta go now






was it hope that kept you alive
through the years and

should i even call it living?

we've got a degree in troublemaking.
and law-breaking
and tear-faking.
and we've nothing to worry about
for the summer begins again every morning
and we create the biggest scenes
and fight the night
because we can
because we can

wait for the signal
to break out your voice
like a sparrow 
like a hawk
like a promise (you promise not to break)

just wait for the signal
its coming
its coming

its here. 

and we've got better things to do
better than missing you.

this music dont make sense
but we dance anyway
and we could care less
if the lyrics grasp our throats
because we still dance
and scream the words out the windows

"remember?"
"remember?"
of course we do
how could we forget?

sleep is overrated 
in the end you have to go
so why not keep them lids uptight
because you'll miss so much
if you never see the night

play the radio loud
i dont wanna go
but i gotta go now

we know what we have to do now
we have to sing
we have to cry
we have to laugh
and we have to lie

but the sun is gonna come up 
no matter what we say
no matter how much we drink

that sun is still going to get up.
even if we dont.
so let it lead us. 
because it is strong and beautiful 
and ever-lasting
just like us


we care
we share
but most importantly....


we dare









i miss you all the time but im blocking it out

we carved our names into that building
and let our wheels destroy the floor.
we watched the lights dance on the highway
we drank the moon and begged for more.
and you looked at me that evening
like you'd seen the world again
and we breathed like little dragons
who had left their little dens
the bandage on my hand turned black
as we ran our fingers along the walls
and our screams and shouts and whispers
filled up the concrete in the halls.
we crawled with sacred silence,
spiders crawled above our heads
then our sneakers hit the pavement
as our laughter woke the dead
we weren't searching for a reason
but there's one in every smile
and its time to keep on breathing
even if it takes a while.
were alive and its ok
this story's still yet to begin
but this feeling never ended,
its just yet to tuck us in.
we've pulled our hairs out for the last time
and put a countdown on your name
because we're ready for tomorrow
and i hope you feel the same. 

 are one sick fucking pig

One day the sun forgot
To get himself out of his bed.
the sky stayed dark
and he just pulled the clouds over his head
and we know we’ve gotten so lost
but what we have can break the day
and I swear ill never let you down
If you promise to stay.

 

I don’t mind where you have been
Or what you’ve done while I’ve been gone
I’ve tried my best to swim away
But it’s impossible to move on
I wont be an obligation
But who we are is who we are
I know we’ve made mistakes
But even a blackhole is still a star

 

 

CHORUS

You can’t give up now
You can’t give up now
We’ve got so much left to do
I’ll watch your back
I’ll hold your hand
If you just hold mine too
Because I’ve never stopped believing
I’ve never given up on you.
So there’s gotta be a reason why,
And the sun, he knows it too.

 

I’ve crossed the world
I’ve seen it all
I’ve traveled sea to sea
I’ve met 100,000 boys
Who’ve had no effect on me.
No one can tell you how to love
Or when enough time is enough
But it takes two hearts to destroy a world
And make the sun forget to come up

 

 

 

BRIDGE
Don’t you see what we have done?
We killed this light
We killed the sun
and we cant change the way the past is meant to be.
But if we just hold on tonight
I swear the world will be alright
And the sun will dance again if you’re with me





now just need some sweet music for it to woo my chink
have one option but im not too crazy about it

 i know you dont mean half the shit you say
youre just scared.
i am too. 


so stop pushing me away. i get you need your space
and ill give it to you


but you need to act like an adult.
forgiving and loving and accepting is part of life
i have been there through thick and thin
and i plan to be forever.



space will give you your time to realize that.

i'm the one dying here.
a hand would be nice.